How many times have you heard this?
How many times have you said this?
Numerous times for me – on both accounts. But is it the best advice?
No, I don’t think so, at least not on its own… Hear me out:
I began reading Becoming by Michelle Obama this week. And occasionally, when I’m reading, something will jump off the page and trigger my brain. This time it was her recollection of learning how to spell colors in Kindergarten. All the kids were asked, one by one, to come to the front of the class and read the colors off cards. When they got one wrong, they were sent to sit down. Obama got them all until she got to “white” – she stammered, was asked to sit down and then remembered. She recounts going over and over the spelling of “white” that night. And the next day, she went back to school and demanded a do-over – nailing every color.
Now, while it wasn’t spelled out in the book as “beating herself up,” that’s what jumped out at me. And it occurred to me that beating yourself up isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Berating yourself, on the other hand, is. The difference is in the definition of ‘berate’: To rebuke or scold angrily and at length. At length.
I mentioned above that beating yourself up isn’t the best advice on its own. Beating yourself up – within reason – serves a purpose. At some point in time, I began pairing this advice with the encouragement to learn from your mistake. I think that gives it a good balance: replace the ‘beating up’ with ‘growth’.
If you don’t go over the mistake you made, will you really learn from it to not repeat it? Probably not. When you make a mistake – whether it’s cutting your finger as you’re slicing vegetables or forgetting to renew your car registration in time – you’re likely to say/think super negative thoughts about yourself: ‘Oh, I’m so stupid! What’s wrong with me?’ Initially, that’s not productive. But if you can turn that energy into “how can I be more mindful?” or “how can I prevent this from happening again?” then it becomes productive. It turns the “beating yourself up” into improving yourself.
And if you then come into that situation again, you’ll remember the mistake you made and the lesson you learned, and you’ll end up being more mindful to not let it happen again. This shows resilience. It shows courage. It could be much easier to say – “I cut my finger bad last time I chopped veggies. I’ll just buy pre-cut veggies from now on and avoid making that mistake again.” Sure, that’s easier. But you’re not learning from it. You’re avoiding growth.
In a similar fashion, if you forget to renew your registration, you can’t drive your car. You may have to pay a fee. And the stress that comes from that will ensure the next time your registration needs to be renewed, you’ll likely have your own reminders pinging on your phone or reminder notes around your house. You won’t just rely on the reminders sent by the DMV. You learn. You find a way to prevent the mistake from recurring. You grow.
Another example: A friend of mine recently has been going through a breakup. She had sent a few texts post-breakup that she later regretted. And as she was telling me about them (“I wish I could unsend that” and “I feel pathetic even sending that”), I told her “Well, don’t beat yourself up about it. Take that, learn from it, and don’t do it again.”
So, make your mistake. Recognize it. Have that moment to “beat yourself up”. But don’t stay in it.
First and foremost, BREATHE. Recognize that whatEVER it is, it’s not the end of the world.
Then, find the lesson. Learn it.
Don’t repeat the mistake. (But equally don’t avoid the situation in the future – whether it be preparing food, owning a car, or opening yourself up to love.)
Improve and get better.
Show resilience and courage – *try again*.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. 😊
Raising LeBar 