When we’re small, we don’t have any problem doing this. We don’t even give it a thought. If something hurts us – physically or emotionally – we cry. If we find something funny, we laugh. I remember having to stifle laughter because it wasn’t appropriate for the place/time (church, assemblies), and there was someone (a teacher, a parent) letting me know that. But I don’t remember ever being scolded for crying. How do we suddenly change from freely showing our emotions to feeling shameful or embarrassed for having a feeling of hurt or sadness?
As we grow, we start becoming self-conscious of our emotions and how other people view us. Self-conscious is an interesting term to me because it ultimately means just being aware of oneself, but somehow it has developed a negative stigma. “I’m self-conscious of my thighs” or “I’m self-conscious when I’m put on the spot.” What we’re really saying is you are hyper-aware of others focus on yourself – not your own focus on yourself. Technically, the term should be other-conscious, no? We’re not focused on ourselves, we’re focused on others’ focus on ourselves.
Specifically, though, self-consciousness of our emotions causes us to hold back our tears, to push down those feelings – which is not a healthy thing! This is usually done with negative emotions – sadness, anger, guilt, grief. Not with happiness or laughter. Most of the time if we find something to be funny or joyful, we have no problem smiling and laughing. We even want to share that thing that brought the feeling to us – a meme, a quote, a funny memory. We share it – we share the happiness. This is how we form and deepen our connections with others. So, what is the difference with sadness?
At some point, our connection with others over sadness/hurt is severed. As a child, we look to others for comfort. We reach out, and most of the time we are met with that comfort – a hug, some words to ease our suffering. But somewhere along the way, we stop reaching out. Instead, we hide our face, our pain, our tears. Instead, we say “I’m strong,” “I’m ok,” “I’m fine.” We keep moving forward, pushing those feelings down, away. When did we start to associate crying/feeling hurt/pain with weakness?
When I was 13, we lost my father suddenly to a brain aneurysm. And after the initial shock and all the funeral etc. things were completed, this is what I did. I cried alone. I saved up the tears and hurt, and I kept it to myself. I didn’t want to share my feelings. I wanted to forget them. I pretended all was well. I hid my pain. I experienced it on my own. This affected me on such a deep level. I believe that eventually holding all of that in and pushing it down caused me to have anxiety and maybe a touch of depression (I am not sure). I ended up seeing a therapist in college, and then again after college. And this helped me work through the feelings that I had tucked away for so long.
I had even gone to a bereavement group after my father’s death. But even there, where it was “normal” to be sad and be experiencing what I was experiencing, I kept it inside. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to share. But what if I had… What if even though I didn’t want to, I did? Could I have formed deeper connections with people around me? Would I have grown and matured and been different because I dove into the discomfort of it all? Honestly, there is no way I could know this for sure.
What I do know is that since that therapy and since I have done all my introspective journaling on/after our RV trip, I have been working on opening up and sharing more. I have been focusing on pushing past discomfort and having the courage to reach out. I have been saying, “Hey, this is how I’m feeling right now” and letting the feelings flow. I don’t want to feel bad about being sad or hurt anymore. I think that just ends up compounding the negative feelings. Being sad is a normal human emotion. Just the same as being happy. And I think that since I have been doing this adjustment, my relationships are different, deeper.
Can we end the stigma? Let’s make crying normal, not uncomfortable. When you see someone hurting, reach out. If you’re hurting, reach out. Speak and show your truth. Sharing pain can help ease the pain of others. It can cause the realization of “I’m not alone!” All feelings pass – they are fleeting. Happy, sad, angry, joyful, jealous, guilty, etc. They all come, and they all go. But the connections that can be made by sharing those feelings are tremendous. Those connections that you can make through a hearty laugh or a heart-breaking cry can enhance your relationships. Let’s create connections, not shame. No one wants to, or should, feel alone when they’re experiencing emotions that 100% of the people on the planet experience.
Raising LeBar 